At times .. 

my pain is not because I got hurt and can’t move
It’s because you believe that I shouldn’t move

my pain is not because of the labels that I carry
It’s because you believe that I should carry them

my pain is not because I treat myself to dust
but because you believe that I am an object of lust

my pain is not because of my low self esteem
It’s because you believe I deserve to live on the seam

my pain is not because of who I am deep within but because you believe you hold an explanation to the existence of my soul herein

to A Friend of Mine ..

I’m not the best of people around and neither am I the perfect friend to have!

I’m flawed at many levels and I’ve hidden act.

I’vent been the best listener when you needed one and neither have I been oratory fun!

I’ve been busy in my own world when perhaps you needed a hug.

In my mind, I did admit that I was all wrong until I received your message that read you love me for I’ve been your prettiest song! 🙂

Not very lyrical and certainly not melodious but am glad we sailed through life beyond what’s termed ‘cyclical’.

a better life? 

Last year I went to Kolkata and stayed at a friend’s place. Her maid came in the morning. A lovely beautiful woman in her early 30s. My friend had already told her that I was coming to stay so she knew everything about me! The first thing she said “I have heard so much about you that I was dying to meet you”. I replied “I have heard a lot about you too! She said that you are a great cook!”.. I couldn’t control myself so after a brief pause I said “I have heard that your husband has left you and your two kids. He now lives with another woman. Why don’t you divorce him and start a new life?” 

She laughed and said “divorce? Our marriage is not on paper that I would ever get any kind of legal separation. This is how it is in our village.” I asked “don’t you feel you need a better life and be with someone better than your husband, for your kids if not for yourself?” .. 

She said “define better for me? A better man who would not beat me! A better family who would treat me well. At the end of the day I have to do the same things. Cook, clean and look after my children and my husband. Better than this for me would mean that I don’t get beaten up by my husband – that’s all. Rest everything stays the same. But here I have my family. My society. My people. So I prefer staying here. I don’t want to leave this place.” 

By a better life, I continued, “I mean live for yourself. Do things that you want to do. Read, learn, there are so many things out there that you could do!”

She stopped me and said, “you say all this because you have been brought up like that. When I was growing up my parents used to say, one day you’ll get married, you’ll have children and you have to look after your husband’s household. So that’s what I am doing. It’s a shame that I got a bad husband who doesn’t treat me well but then I have my family around. So I am okay.” 

My conversations with her still flash in my mind. I couldn’t explain what it’s meant by a better life to her! What do women in general do? Yes they cook, Yes they give birth, raise their children, take care of their families, Yes they take care of their husband but besides all that they have an identity too! But how many women do I know who have an identity besides being a wife and a mother and a daughter and a daughter in law? And is this craze for an identity so undernourished in general that girls grow up not knowing what it is to be an individual first before all the other identities that they go along adopting one after the other in life?

I don’t know. 

Of love and relations and the truth that I have loved you so long .. 

I don’t particularly remember how I stumbled upon this french film “I’ve loved you so long” but I am glad I did. 

I cried. And cried. And cried. In the last scene with both the sisters – I cried too! And when the guy asked “hello! Is anyone home” .. I smiled with tears rolling down my cheek hoping that him and the protagonist would be together forever!:-)

For me this movie was more real than reality for those 115 odd minutes. 

I could identify myself with the younger sister. Her balancing act of home and work and relationships! Her unfailing faith in the fact that things would improve for better. Her emotional outbursts when in one scene she says to her students “what reality do writers know that you would want to believe in them?” .. The uncomfortable silence, the deep sense of belonging that she shares and feels for her sister was simply beautiful. 

Each character was like a missing piece of a puzzle and at the end of the movie you could see how they all, individually, weaved the story together:-) Reminded me of days when I used to knit regularly… How tiny strokes and tiny stitches got to a complete scarf!:-) Simply fascinating! 

The young kids of the sister were way too cute. The relationship between the husband and the aunt was dignified yet disturbed. It was lovely to see him develop his faith, trust and love towards the protagonist as the story unfolded. 

The sisterly time at the pool was one of my favourite moments of the film!:-) and there was this dinner scene where the protagonist was asked to tell everyone where she has been all these years and she smiled and spoke the truth and everyone laughed except her own family and the professor guy who I think was in love with her from the first day he saw her 🙂 

At times even when you tell the truth, people don’t usually believe you cos we all have a socially defined construct of “should be” rather than “could be”:-) The latter is more thought of in a negative way:-) And you know what I think – I think in all honesty, if “could be’s” were thought of as facts and believed as facts then there would be more tolerance around 🙂 

I’ve loved you so long made me aspire! Made me value relationships! Made me realise that ‘to stay in love with changing paradigms of truth’ is a real hardwork. At times the only one who you can trust is your ‘self’ .. and just like any other good movie, this one leaves you with a strong feeling that – your life, your journey, is so unique that expecting a world or social approval on your chosen path is tad foolish. 

Hang on, do I really think the killing of the little boy was justified? In isolation – I don’t have an answer to that but from the mother’s (protagonist) perspective – I could identify with the pain, the silence, the absence of any sane justification to what she did .. So do I think it was right then? I don’t know to be honest! Who knows what’s right anyway:-) All I know is this – she saved a life from suffering bad. 

For me, this movie had a strange impact in several ways! ‘Love’ minus judgement! ‘Live’ minus ‘pride’! And lastly ‘Breathe minus guilt’ 🙂 

If I were to sum up this movie in two words I would say “It’s beautiful” 🙂 

PS : I hope you stumble upon this movie too like I did and then get drawn into the sea of human emotions with stark contrasts 🙂 

Of faith, Of belief .. 

I did believe I was God’s favourite kid in here
Maybe that’s why I didn’t really care
Of the fallen leaves and broken branches
Of men that stood tall and the ones that blasted
Of odds and evens and
Of Knights and peasants
but the day arrived when I was to be judged
On my own faith and belief packed in a fudge
I failed to keep my belief’s head high
I failed at everything that could hold my faith tight
Night after night my failures question me
They ask do I still believe in being God’s favourite kid?
I smile back in pain with tears running
I do, I say in all honesty, softly.

‘In Your Eyes’ reminded me of me ..

Few weeks back I was browsing through netflix and came across a movie titled “In Your Eyes”.. Read the two line synopsis and saw the rating and started watching 🙂 

A strange connection between two complete strangers in two completely different parts of the world made me scream aloud and say “hey! I know that can happen! Happened to me!” .. Of course as I said in the title the movie reminded me of me – so it was no surprise that I was seeing a part of me on screen. 

The sheer delight was to watch the characters being essayed on screen and how they get drawn towards each other, see what the other sees, feel what the other feels .. I am not too convinced that you can actually see; though as I said I am completely in agreement with the fact that you can feel each other and share a telepathic bond. 

At a very personal level, I was hoping the movie would provide an answer as to why this bond happens between two souls but I guess that’s like seeking some evidence based scientific question being answered by a movie 🙂 Can’t happen! 

But nevertheless, I was happy that the two lead characters fell in love and found each other at the end of the movie 🙂 They just deserved to be with each other .. For me it was like “connected by soul” 🙂 

And as far as I am concerned and my telepathic connection with this stranger is concerned, I don’t know if we’ll ever head the love way and end up with each other but you never know 🙂 It’s nice to have bits of unpredictability around the structured “life” 🙂 

For me, this movie also reinforced the fact that at times doing what’s “right” and doing what you “want” might be completely different and can be absolutely parallel to each other – stand by what you want cos that would eventually lead to a happy soul 🙂 

And another emotional movie with a perfect ending 🙂 Is a must watch, if you haven’t.